By Greg Wyatt
I do not try to hide my opinion about Valentine’s Day: I hate it. I consider it the absolute worst holiday on the calendar. It is supposed to be a celebration of love and affection. It is actually a money grubbing opportunity for the floral, candy and jewelry industries to shame us into buying things for our loved ones that are objectively terrible. Allow me to elucidate. You can search the net for lists of awful Valentine’s Gifts, and they are hysterical, but I’m specifically focusing on gifts that are mass merchandised, advertised, and if you actually buy them for your loved one it says terrible things about you. Even worse, if you receive these items and you like them it says terrible things about you, too. Someone is obviously buying these gifts since they keep advertising them year after year, and I’m not bemoaning the companies for trying to make a buck, nor am I trying to convince the buyers to stop. I just want you to know what horrendous taste you have.
The Gargantuan Vermont Teddy Bear
This Vermont Teddy Bear Company offers this monstrosity for $200. Two hundred dollars. It’s six feet tall. It’s not a stuffed animal, it’s a piece of furniture, both is size and in price. What could you have gotten your loved one instead with your $200? Short of fine jewelry, you could have gotten nearly anything. Plus it’s huge. What are you going to do with it? Put it in a corner? Use it as a lounge chair? Make a cat condo out of it? Donate it to charity? I have no idea what one does with a 6 foot teddy bear, but I do know that any woman that actually wants one, asks for one, would love to get one is either under twelve years old or is so immature as to be very, very scary.
The Christian Grey Teddy Bear
Not satisfied with having just one awful gift available for Valentine’s Day, the Vermont Teddy Bear Company released this travesty. It’s actually causing quite a stir in the teddy bear aficionado community, with some calling it an affront to the cute and innocent image of the teddy bear. I suggest those offended by this bear consult with VermontTeddyBear.com/ and see for yourself how loe the wholesome teddy bear has sunk already. Or Vermont Teddy’s YouTube Page, where they showcase their advertising, chock full of innuendo and suggestion. But Vermont Teddy’s past aside, the Christian Grey teddy really does take the cake. As its webpage states, “He features smoldering eyes, a suit and satin tie, mask – even mini handcuffs. “ Smoldering eyes. And handcuffs. You could even add some of the Fifty Shades Pleasure Package for even more bondage fun. Because nothing says “I love you” quite like a teddy bear and rectal bleeding.
The Vermont Teddy Bear Company is on a roll here. I swear, I do not have a personal beef with them. I just think their products are terrible, demeaning, and ludicris and their advertising is lewd and atrocious. VTBC owns Pajamagram, thus the nearly identical advertising format and equally awful products. Here’s a great example of what they consider “sexy”:
Yes, that says “fun dropseat lets you sneak a peek.” Classy, VTBC. I’m also partial to this one:
They look like rather normal, bland PJs, until you realize there’s openings to fondle breasts. From the top. First, if there’s going to be breast fondling, or “hands-on fun” as they call it, the top is coming off. Second, how the hell am I supposed to get my hands in those fake pockets from above? Is this designed only for Spiderman to access?
Now, if you’re the type of woman that actually wants PJs with dropseats, fake boobie access pockets, or some of the monuments to class and comfort offered by Fredrick’s of Hollywood…
…then allow me to congratulate you on being able to pull this off! It’s not every woman that wants to sleep in drafty night clothes with metal rings and tassels. Yes, you enjoy those high fashion PJs while the rest of woman-kind sleeps in actually comfortable clothes – mostly their husband’s t-shirts and a hole-filled pair of sweats.
Unsexy Pajamas, the Hoodie Footie
Last jab at VTBC, I swear, but check out the above example of “comfort” taken to extremes. Yes, I know that look, that style. I see it every morning when I get my twins up. They’re wearing footie sleepers, too. But they’re one year old, and they’re wearing diapers.
You say you want a Hoodie Footie? Oh, you have a hoodie footie and you love it. Good for you. Every time you have to go to the bathroom and need to peal this thing off all the way to your knees, good for you. Unless you’re wearing diapers.
Naming a Star
Until I started writing this I had no idea there were multiple sources for naming a star. There are quite a few, and prices range from the “download and print off your own certificate right now because you forgot to get anything and you need it RIGHT AWAY” for $20 all the way to $150 for “I spent $150 on the same certificate I could have printed myself but this one is framed and signed by somebody.”
I imagine if I bought a star for my wife the conversations would be something like:
Me: “Happy Valentine’s Day, Honey! I bought you a star!”
Her: “A star? As in a Hollywood star? Like on the walk of fame?”
Me: “No! As in a huge ball of hydrogen engulfed in self-perpetuating fusion hundreds of light-years away!”
Her: “I was afraid that was what you meant. What did you name my star?”
Me: “It says right here on this certificate, ‘Amber’s Platypus Homeworld.’”
Me: “Because you love Platapie.”
Me: “Whatever, it’s your star!”
Her: “So when humans reach this star and colonize whatever world is orbiting it in hundreds of years, it will be the human colony of Amber’s Platypus Homeworld.”
Her: “And from now on, whenever Astronomy students study the cosmos, when they come to my star they will read about Amber’s Platypus Homeworld?”
Me: “It may take a while for the textbooks to be updated to reflect the name change for… Let me see… Zeta Puppis.”
Her: “What? Zeta Puppis is a much better name than Amber’s Platypus Homeworld! How could you?!”
Me: “Aw, shucks. I screwed up.”
Just remember, people. Renaming stars is serious business. And when humans reach the star you renamed “Lil’ Ninja’s Bitchen Crib in Spaaaaace” they will probably ignore the star registry and call it whatever they damn well please. Because they have to live with the name and you don’t.
Buying land on the Moon
Here’s another great scam item when you’re sold something you cannot possibly ever take possession of. The companies that sell Lunar Real Estate also sell property on every other solid object in our Solar System. I imagine a day when we return to the Moon and actually set up a long term colony and some jackhole come screaming that his great-great grandfather bought his great-great grandmother the exact piece of property the colony is sitting on and demands they either sign a lease and start paying him rent, or vacate his property right away. And I imagine the colony tells him to go pound sand.
There are a lot of companies that offer this service – phony magazine covers. Unlike naming a star or buying land on Titan, these companies are up front and honest that these are fake magazine covers. They make great wedding invitations and the like, but terrible presents. Nothing says, “I’m all out of ideas” quite like using a web app to make a present for you.